It has become one of the few routines that I have left these days. It is like that painful paradox that rules my life and I do not know if to feel good or bad or hopeful or grateful or angry about it.
Change is the only constant. It keeps changing. When things are sorted they are on the verge of being distorted again. When things are distorted they are about to be sorted but are not sorted just yet.
And since I have been facing rejections from the colleges I have applied to for Masters, I am only looking at the half glass empty, at the distortedness and the anticipation of distortedness right now.
The cover art is courtesy the photo blogger on rareist.blogspot.in. There are other some really great photographs represent peace and softness. But this is one of the few illustrative GIFs.
Things are not at their best definitely. So I am jobless, without a real purpose except for posting weekly twice here on this blog and reading. Reading like my life depends on it. And you know what, it really does. My life depends on reading right now. When there is a constant change going in my life between order and disorder, it is reading that is my peacekeeper. It is like the black lines in the above illustration. Always there.
Even as they distort into a mess or arrange beautifully into a meditative globus, the still exist. They are what break the war of the opposites for me. They are to my angels and demons what life is to health and sickness. We get proud and ambitious when we are in the pink of our health. We get depressed and sad when we are not feeling well. But we forget the simple presence of Life that allows us to feel both these opposites. In order to be healthy or sick, you have to be alive first. Like in order for the meditative globus or the disordered mess to exist, the black lines are required. Reading books are like the black lines to my messed up life right now.
Rejections are difficult to face. However much you are prepared to face them by being your own worst critics, rejections always hurt. And even more so when you are provided with no clear reason as to why were you not accepted. Although, we have a cowardly benefit of doubt that there were other reasons for our rejection apart from our own incompetence. We do not always want to know the truth adn find it easier to project our own truths in order to deal better with it all.
And that is the worst part of it all. By doing so we are actually preparing for more rejections for the future. By not acknowledging the truth of why were rejected, we are preparing grounds for a future rejection. But it is more difficult to get to work to avoid a future rejection. It is more difficult to stick to the plan and keep hustling even in the face of dejection. It is difficult to write another blog post about the thigns in your mind when you are constantly thinking about who others are going to think your writing unworthy of attention and appreciation.
It is so difficult. So I have decided to ditch writing that and write this post instead. To write about what is on my mind, that is preventing me from talking about what is on my mind.But to not ditch the hustle, the struggle, the dream. I write to not give up.