I want to find my dream boat.
And start sailing the oceans immediately.
I want to find what I want to do with my life.
And then start living the rest of my life.
It is getting difficult each passing day to not live that life anymore.
Having glimpsed it. Having tasted it. Having imagined it. And imagining that it was possible.
Is all making it too difficult for me to just stand.
Just stand and watch my whole life pass by me.
After ending the call with my best friend of years, I was very happy. I felt strong because of her strength. I felt protected by her ferociousness. I felt beautiful because she had begun to accept herself and her own beauty.
But it did not last long. I was soon contemplating.
And I realised I was actually happy for her. I was happy for her life. Which is a wonderful thing, I am sure. I am selflessly, truly and from the bottom of my heart, happy for her.
But then I think about myself. And I think if I feel those things for my own life? Do I?
I do not.
At this phase in my life, I feel bound and suffocated. I have an urge to work hard. But I am not sure what to work hard for. I have some strengths and also some weaknesses. But the boxes, people around me are choosing to fit me into, seem too demeaning to me.
The limited choice of careers for the package I was born with, is very depressing and disheartening. It almost makes me want to give in. Either to their plans for me. Or give up the whole of them.
It makes me want to run away. Leave their secure world, that they began preparing for me even before I was born. To just leave it all. And tell them those three magical words, I am going.
And then just leave. On my own trail. On my own journey. Trying out my hand at my impossible dreams.
This is the song I always remember when I have this pang to just leave. To take the leap out. The necessary leap when fear is taking over me and my mind.
It borrows lines from an old poet from my lands. Kabir, who was famous for his wise couplets, revealing so much in such few words. Just like a diamond puts on display so many colours in its limited proportions. Revealing to us the beauty of all of light.
Heera soi sarahiye
Sahe ghanan ki chot
Kapat korangi manwa
Parkhat nikla khot
Let there be praise for only the diamond that has bore the pain of being cut and shaped
A belying deceitful heart more often than not reveals its truth on closer examination
Heera tahan na kholiye
Jahan kunjudaon ki haat
Sahaj gaanthi bandhi ke
Lage apni baat
Don’t put the diamond on display in the savages’ market
Have it safely tied up in your heart and wait for the right time to reveal it
Heera para bazaar
Raha char laptaye
Kethi murakh pache mohe
Liya paarakhi koye uthaye
LIke a diamond dropped amidst a fish market I lay wrapped in dust of the world
So many fools (with easily deceived eye) walked past me while the one with the wise eye carried me home
I fear becoming like that fallen diamond after I leave.
Extremely valuable but lying in dust. Was kept protected for long. Safe and secure from the world and its ways. When the time came for the knots to open and the diamond to come out on display, it was opened in the wrong market. It was opened in a market that only sold vegetables and fishes.
Where everything sold was instantly consumed. Bought. Cut. Cooked. Chewed. Flushed. Repeat. Tends to infinity.
What is a diamond to a man dying of hunger? He cannot eat a diamond. At best he can sell it away. And buy food with that money.
But that is not what a diamond is carved for! That is not the best a diamond can be treated like? Is there any worth, any value of that diamond lying in the dusty market road? Is there any hope of being cleared up to be seen for what it is worth?
Only the One with the wisest eye can. Only the One with an intuitive sight for beauty, can. Is the One really, truly, undoubtedly impossible to find?