I am withdrawing back.
I am taking back an emotional dependency that I used to throw at others in my life.
I am taking back expectations of having someone by my side, all the time, all my life.
I am taking back the idea of an eternal commitment from others.
I am taking back perfection and its delusional anticipation in relationships I live.
It is not negative or hopeless. It is quietly re-strengthening, resurrecting.
It sounds hopeless and negative in my words. But when have my words ever sounded just as I have wanted them to?
Hopeless is not how I feel when I talk about withdrawing from all this love business.
The romantic love of course. The idea of a sexual partner.
What am I going to do with my sexual urges then, it can be asked?
What am I going to orgasm at?
The answer is slowly rising within me, taking its time, ascending at a pace of its own.
Please hold on a while longer.
What am I going to orgasm at, if not humans?
At pleasures hidden in small things of this world.
Like the orgasm I had in a model making class.
Without any human touch. Without any human involvement.
Just a task at hand, to be completed in given time.
No competition with anyone else except me.
High stakes for the expectations I have only from me.
Releasing a knot of insecurity, with every fold of paper.
Increasing blood flow in my body with every sealed edge of the cube.
That self induced orgasm was like none other I ever had.
The ones induced by humans were but its reflections, on multiple mirrors, weakened at every mirror on the way.
I am letting in, the thought of being completely alone, all my life. Of being incomparable to anything or anybody else.
At least incomparable in the existing definitions of comparison in the world.
I am withdrawing from the idea of someone understanding me completely.
I am withdrawing from the idea of needing this someone entirely.
I am withdrawing from reflections of people giving me orgasms.
I am letting in the idea of a passion that is universal. In things and humans alike.
Intrinsic like the one I had when I was in the model making class.
*I am getting hurt over and over again by people.
Rather, I am letting myself get hurt over and over again by people.
Why am I letting them hurt me?
Why am I dependent on them to give me orgasms?
I can be dependent on them for other things but
Why am I dependent on them for my inner peace?
What is Inner Peace?
A star is a ball of gases waiting to explode away into space (Life) and implode into its center (Death), all at once.
Inner Peace is the state of a star when both the violent forces of Life and Death are in cancellation of each other.
The state of a star when everything is silent yet everything is moving.
No pressure differences. No effective displacement. Neither a collapse nor an expanse.
And yet an underlying dynamism, a tension, a tug of war between the two halves. It is a Peace with a lot of violence ongoing.
Helping maintain a steady stream of heat and light on its way into space, brightening the darkness a little more.
And all this while all the fuel lasts. While the star isn’t dead yet.
I am going to die soon as well. Like a star .
A deep breath suffices the realization that with each breath I am shedding some parts, irreversibly, of my self.
A part that has burnt out and shall not return. I am dying.
I already have an urge to burn out. Faster. Quicker. Wilder.
And that is when I realize how Death is already on the rise.
And before it gets all the better parts of me, I want to give Life a chance.
I want to Live as surely as I am going to Die.